apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
