i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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