I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
