Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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