it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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