If i could tip my vagina, i would.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
