the condom got lost in my hair
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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