Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
