I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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