if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Drunk is not a location!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
