Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
