we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
