New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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