dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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