i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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