Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
