All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
