i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
