I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
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There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
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So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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