I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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