Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
