Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
