The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
