i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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