Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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