Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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