i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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