Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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