I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
