something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
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You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
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I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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