i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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