when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
