I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
