Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
