This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize