my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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