i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
