I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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