Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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