I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
