Whod you bang
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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