you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
