Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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