oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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