Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
