Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
this beer tastes like vomit already
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
