Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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