Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
