my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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