U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
