Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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