i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
