haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
