you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
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The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
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I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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